Just Here

Some words spill out

Painting of a Deer by Jonica Bradley; This image has nothing to do with the story.

I’m just going to start writing and see what shakes loose. It has been too long since I’ve put my words to paper. But just now, while watching a German series on Netflix, I have been jotting down random thoughts.

“I don’t feel like writing. I just feel like escaping.”

This is one of my favorites. It sums up how I have felt this entire year. You can replace the word ‘writing’ with just about any single thing I’ve done so many times this past year. Radiation. Chemo. Changing dressings. Flushing feeding tubes. Eating. Walking. Exercising. Getting out of bed. Staying in bed. Vomiting.

“I can’t taste it but I’m forcing myself to eat it.”

This one reminds me of all the shit I’ve done for the past year that I didn’t want to do but did anyway. Things like going to work at Walmart. I’m poised to take care of my niece when her mama goes back to work instead of my brother and his wife paying out the nose for day care. They’ll pay me instead. Jen is very happy being a stay at home mom and nothing else. I don’t blame her. My niece is delightful.

I scribbled down some random german phrases, too.

It is obvious to me that words need to come out of my brain onto paper. There’s a lot in there. Words in my brain. Thoughts stuck in my skull with nowhere to…