We had Nathan for two months out of the year during the summer until he was 13. To say it was a major challenge to first unparent and next reparent a kid in that time frame is an understatement. When he was with his biomom, he was pretty much left to his own devices. He was raising himself. He has no manners to speak of, being alone most of the time. He didn't have a grasp on how to. How to sweep dirt off the floor, how to clean and organize his things in his room, how to rinse a dish and later how to wash a sinkful.
He was allowed to eat whatever while he was with her. That was the first thing we unparented. His nutrition. No soda with caffeine until he got into his double digits and then none after 3pm. Very limited amounts of candy. No high fructose corn syrup (I was actually amazed at the difference this made). No tv in his bedroom. He was the last of his friends to get a lot of things. When he was with his mom, it was because she spent money on alcohol and drugs. When he was with us, it was because he hadn't earned it or we couldn't afford it.
I'm sure I came off as the strict, evil, stepmother. I despaired of his every finding a place in the world.

I think, I really do believe, I have had a huge impact on him. He loves me a lot and comes to me about things he first talk to his mom about.

He turned his fear and rage inward, unfortunately. They're was a stage where he gave me unrelenting attitude. Not his dad. Me. He argued with everything. If I said it was raining out he would say no it isn't. And he would be petulant about it. "It's just heavy water. Gawd," he would say in a tone that made it patently clear I was an idiot.

This went on for about 2 years.
But it got better. I know for a fact he hasd a firm foundation and a vast knowledge of how to. He turned 18 last December 31
and got the hell out of
Dodge. He will be able to use his foundation or not as he sees fit.
I rest secure in the knowledge I did what I could.

You will too.