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Writing is a Struggle

But is it really?

Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash

I struggle with getting the laptop on my lap or the journal in my hand. I struggle with assignments in which I’m not particularly interested regardless of the paycheck. I struggle with commitment.

But I don’t generally struggle to put words down. Whether by hand or keyboard, I can make many words. I can even make the words flow in a somewhat interesting manner. At the very least, they’ll flow in an understandable manner.

I don’t struggle to write unless I am struggling to think. And that is where my particular form of thinking gets frustrating. I guess I should call it my particular form of non-thinking.

I get stupid. It is amazing to me how sluggish and slow my thought processes become when I am stressed or in pain. Which I am all the time now thanks to cancer and depression.

I may have forgotten to mention in my last blog entry that I’m not really taking my antidepressants. I have sores all in my mouth and going down my throat so I can’t swallow pills. I haven’t tried to get the liquid form (I do have a feeding tube so I can crush and dissolve or use liquid meds.

I had to take a break just now because the home nurse came. I can’t remember what I was thinking about…

Oh, right! I was thinking about thinking and how my brain just stops working. It is like it gets clogged with the dirt and dust of stress.

So. I don’t struggle to write, but I do struggle with all the other things that might lead up to writing.

Charging the laptop.

Downloading an app.

Finding a pen, matchstick, lipstick, or pencil with which to write.

Finding a surface on which to write, preferably paper but I’ve been known to use cloth or the wall or a napkin.

Lately, I’ve struggled with everything. From sitting up to thinking. From eating to keeping it down. I’ve struggled to maintain a line of thought (I’m always high on something these days) and I’ve struggled to follow logic. It is just like mud. Thick molasses-y mud.

Even though I can make words, they are all over the place. Once I try to follow a thought, such as figuring out…

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Jonica Bradley (Am I paranoid or RU following me?)

Writer/Painter/Poet/Believes in magic/nature/prays to unicorns/goat expert/bee farmer/mental health advocate/C-PTSD/human rights advocate/coolest person ever