Writing is a Struggle
But is it really?
I struggle with getting the laptop on my lap or the journal in my hand. I struggle with assignments in which I’m not particularly interested regardless of the paycheck. I struggle with commitment.
But I don’t generally struggle to put words down. Whether by hand or keyboard, I can make many words. I can even make the words flow in a somewhat interesting manner. At the very least, they’ll flow in an understandable manner.
I don’t struggle to write unless I am struggling to think. And that is where my particular form of thinking gets frustrating. I guess I should call it my particular form of non-thinking.
I get stupid. It is amazing to me how sluggish and slow my thought processes become when I am stressed or in pain. Which I am all the time now thanks to cancer and depression.
I may have forgotten to mention in my last blog entry that I’m not really taking my antidepressants. I have sores all in my mouth and going down my throat so I can’t swallow pills. I haven’t tried to get the liquid form (I do have a feeding tube so I can crush and dissolve or use liquid meds.
I had to take a break just now because the home nurse came. I can’t remember what I was thinking about…
Oh, right! I was thinking about thinking and how my brain just stops working. It is like it gets clogged with the dirt and dust of stress.
So. I don’t struggle to write, but I do struggle with all the other things that might lead up to writing.
Charging the laptop.
Downloading an app.
Finding a pen, matchstick, lipstick, or pencil with which to write.
Finding a surface on which to write, preferably paper but I’ve been known to use cloth or the wall or a napkin.
Lately, I’ve struggled with everything. From sitting up to thinking. From eating to keeping it down. I’ve struggled to maintain a line of thought (I’m always high on something these days) and I’ve struggled to follow logic. It is just like mud. Thick molasses-y mud.
Even though I can make words, they are all over the place. Once I try to follow a thought, such as figuring out…